Sugar Cereal and Lost Hope for Humanity 

Cereal Declares Freedom

Cereal is tired of pretending to be a healthy part of a balanced diet. For years it has been shackled by the confines of a society demanding it profess health. And so cereal has played along, professing a myriad of grains in every bite, while watching danishes and doughnuts dance around displaying full sugary delight.

But, no more. Cereal knows people want sugar. They know people want cookies for breakfast, but live in a society where pairing a package of Oreos with morning coffee is frowned upon. But, the time for hiding is over. It is time for cereal to finally share with the world what it has always known deep inside- it’s not good for you and full of sugar.

Lost Hope for Humanity

I’m thankful that cereal has finally found its voice. But, I admit, living in a country where sugared cereal can dance around flaunting its sugar content makes me nervous. I pine for the days when cereal had to at least pretend to be healthy. I fear f or a generation open to eating sugared cereal without regard or caution, as if it were normal. Really, a part of me fears for humanity in this new free-sugar cereal world. If we go this far, what’s next, soda in our pop tarts? Actually, that’s already happened. And don’t forget deep-fried Twinkies.  Below is a list of of cereals that concern me.

Cookie Crisp

The grandfather of sugary-ridiculous cereals. I would love have been in the marketing meeting when a genius suggested their company could sell more cookies by shrinking them, placing them in a box and encouraging people to eat them with milk for breakfast. Do not fool yourself- it’s cookies! It has the word “cookie” in the title!

Rice Krispies Treats

Rice Krispy treats do represent one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind. But, clearly there is no good reason we need to eat them with milk for breakfast.

Reese’s Puffs

If my wife found me munching away on a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for breakfast, she would be concerned for my health and sanity. But, turn it into cereal and somehow it’s ok.

Oreo’s

I love that this cereal doesn’t even attempt to put on the front of the box any positive qualities like, “made with whole grain.” No, if you buy this cereal, you know exactly what you’re buying- an excuse to eat cookies for breakfast.

Krave

This cereal doesn’t have double the oats or protein, nope, just double the chocolate. I’m surprised it doesn’t advertise, “Now with a full chocolate bar in every bowl”.

Nilla

Neither banana pudding nor vanilla wafers would be considered a reasonable breakfast option. But, somehow making these into a combination breakfast cereal seems ok. Where is “Chocolate cake cereal”, or “vanilla cupcake cereal”?

Froot Loops: Marshmallows 

There was a day when Froot Loops was ashamed of what it was. (For the record, it should be ashamed of how it spells the word “froot“.) But, today, it not only proudly displays its sugary glory, but has also found a way to add even more sugar with the addition of marshmallows. How did marshmallows become an acceptable breakfast food?

Nutter Butter + Chips Ahoy

Nutter Butter is a peanut butter flavored cookie! Chips Ahoy is a chocolate chip cookie! These are not breakfast foods, they’re cookies. COOKIES!

 

S’mores

Apparently, S’mores wanted to get in on the breakfast opportunity so much that two different companies have created their own cereal dedicated to the flavor. I have never been enjoying a s’more next to a crackling fire and thought, “Man, would I love to have this for breakfast with milk.”

Smorz

S’mores 

Helpful Breakfast Chart 

In case you are wondering what should be considered a “breakfast food”, the following chart should help.

Bonus: Cheetos

Breakfast cereal isn’t the only food getting more extreme these days. “Extremism” is also affecting our snacks. No longer is it sufficient to pile fake cheese flavored dust over the fried plastic puff, commonly known as the “Cheeto.”

Instead, we want it “extreme”. We need our cheesy snacks, “hotter”, “bolder”, and “more dangerous” than ever.

 

In fact, we will not rest until our Cheetos literally send us to the hospital. Enter the development of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and XXXTRA Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos. With these, it’s possible that Cheetos have finally reached fried cheesy puff perfection. They have finally become so extreme as to send  multiple children to the hospital. In the end companies are just giving people what they want.So, thank you America.

Can you list any other cereals or food that belongs on this list? Feel free to comment.

I typically write about leadership, family, or the church. But, sometimes something hits me that I find funny or ridiculous and want to share. Enjoy.