Stuff My Kids Say #3

I’ve continued collecting some of the things my kids say. Kids may drive us crazy sometimes, but there is no question they keep life interesting.

For perspective:
Caleb- Age 8
Logan- Age 5
Micah- Age 2
Dad- Hard to say
Wife- Ageless

1.We want our kids to know they’re smart, talented, good-looking and loved. So, at dinner one night I was joking around and said about Jess:

David (to Jess): You’re smart, talented, pretty, loved….and you have the best husband in the world.

Caleb: You’re not the best husband in the world. You are the 50th best husband.

David: What? Who are the other 49?

Caleb: I don’t know but you’re not number one.

Logan: Maybe it’s president Obama because he’s a husband and has kids.

David: What? Why can’t I be number one?

Caleb: Because there are so many people in the world that there have to be at least 50 people who are better.

(p.s. Thanks Chris and Leah Huff for this idea!)

2. One day Caleb asked if he could go run so he could work on his “pack”

Caleb: I need to go run at the park so I can work on my pack.
David: What?
Caleb: Well, I only have a 4 pack, but I need to bust through and get more packs.
David: What? How many packs can you have?
Caleb: Well, you can up to an 8 pack. But, then you can push hard and get up to a 58 pack.
Logan (pulling up his shirt): How many packs do I have?
Caleb (looking closely and intently at Logan’s stomach): You have a 3 pack, that’s pretty good!

3. Micah and I were driving in a car

David: Look Micah a dog?

Micah: It’s a black dog.

David: Yeah, it is a black dog.

Micah: But, it’s not the big bad wolf.

David: (laughing) No, no it’s not the big bad wolf, it’s just a nice dog.

Micah: Oh, yeah.

4. Caleb goes to grab a piece of pizza from the Little Caesars Box:

Caleb: There’s only one piece left, but I don’t want it. It has poop on it!

David/Jess: Poop?!

Caleb: Yeah- look.

Jess: Caleb, that’s called a sausage.

Caleb: That’s a sausage? How am I supposed to know the difference?

5. On vacation this summer

We were driving in the car and Micah was wearing Logan’s sunglasses. Logan says, “Micah, can I have my sunglasses back.” Micah angrily grunted, “I got these on my BIRTHDAAAY!” No, no he didn’t. We all immediately laughed. We had no idea why Micah would say that.

6. Caleb’s Joke:

What do you call a cheetah when it’s dead and you cook it to eat?
Answer: Fast Food

7. Trying to bribe Micah to go poop on the potty:

David: Micah, if you go poop on the potty, what do you get?

Micah: Cupcakes!

David: Right- cupcakes!

Micah: I don’t want cupcakes?

David: What do you want?

Micah: A toy!

David: Ok, if you go poop on the potty you get a toy.

Micah: I don’t want a toy!

David: Ok, what do you want? Money?

Micah: Yes, monies!

David: Ok, if you go poop on the potty, you get monies.

Micah: I don’t want monies!

And so on…

8. New Job

Jess: Mommy got a new job, but it’s a little scary because I have to tell people what to do. What should I do if they don’t do what I say?

Caleb: Spank them!

Logan: Yeah!

Jess: I can’t do that or mommy would go to jail!

(We all laughed.)

9. Jess had a hard day in her job, so the boys and I stopped by the store to buy her flowers

David: Boys, do you know why we bought mommy flowers?

Boys: Why?

David: Happy wife, happy life.

Logan: Look, there’s a man who bought flowers too. Maybe he’ll have a happy wife too.

Caleb: Or maybe he doesn’t have a wife, so he’s buying some flowers for himself- to cheer himself up.

10. On Drugs

David: Caleb, why were you wearing orange today?

Caleb: Because orange means drugs are scary.

Jess: What are drugs?

Caleb: I don’t know, but they’re bad and you shouldn’t eat them.

David: But, if you’re not sure what they are, how do you know if you see them?

Caleb: I’ll just know.

11. Vampire

As the boys are in bed we hear them talking. Then Caleb says, “Let me go tell mommy, daddy.”

Caleb runs downstairs confidently.

Caleb: Mommy, Daddy, I have something to tell you. Logan is turning into a vampire!

David/Jess: (laughing to ourselves) Caleb, how do you know this?

Caleb: Just look at his teeth, he has two sharp ones.

Jess: Caleb, everyone has sharp teeth, they’re called incisors. I don’t believe your brother is turning into a vampire.

Caleb: Well, do you want to come see.

David: No, buddy, because he’s not turning into a vampire. You’re ok. So, please go to bed.

The next morning Logan comes down and Jess and I ask him why Caleb thought he was turning into a vampire.

Logan: Oh, well, I showed caleb my leg where I have two cuts that look kind of like teeth marks. So, then he asked to see my teeth. I showed him and he said, “Yup, you’re turning into a vampire.”

(Of course- that is the most logical explanation!)

12. Caleb’s teacher sent us this picture. Caleb was assigned to write about his favorite person. He thought he would be funny.

12. Micah, stop drawing on your face. (things I have to say more often than I realize)

Ready for school: